This is the second part to my post for FanstRA4 as promised. There are many blogs participating this year - please follow this link to find all the posts.

DIARY ENTRY – HARRY KENNEDY July 14th – Sept 15th
2006
Written on the advice of Rosie, who thought it would help to write
my feelings down … (And I always do as my sister tells me!!).
14th July 2006: So
it’s all finally over …. the investigation, the endless questions, the
intrusion into my work and personal life. It’s all in the past … or should be.
Denise – the memory of what we had hurts more now I have been exonerated than
when I first discovered she had unwittingly embroiled me in her old company’s
wrongdoings. I don’t feel any resentment towards her, just this deep pain and
sense of loss. Was what we had so meaningless to her? It’s over now – all of
it. It is tempting to search for her,
find her, be with her… but there is no point. What there was between us is
irretrievably lost. It’s time to move forwards, wherever ‘forwards” is.
29th July:
Staying in a tiny little pub in Oxfordshire. I had to get away from London this
weekend, found this place and spent most of the day walking. The countryside is
like a balm for me at the moment …. the noise of the city, the crowds seems to
heighten my tension – there is peace in the fields and by the streams. G..d I
feel envious of the people who live here … the pace is slower; the stress seems
to be less.
What if I did move away from the city? Would
I be any happier, or would I bring all my demons with me? Denise …. would she
have been happy with a life in the country? No … she is a city girl and always
will be. The quiet life was never for her, yet I think, if I’m honest, it could
be for me. In my more rational moments, I realise we were not ever going to be
able to make a life together work. It’s been six months since she left; three
of those months spent by me not only trying to forget her, but then trying to
defend myself in my profession. Being exonerated is a shallow victory – I feel
so emotionally empty.
Climbed a really steep hill today and pushed
myself so hard that I could only think about my breathing and an occasional
muscular twinge. At the summit, there was a glorious view of the fields below.
I sat there with just the skylarks and insects to keep me company. It was only
then in solitude that I allowed the grief I had internalised for so long,
surface. I cried …just like I had as a boy when I lost my beloved dog, Jack,
and later when my parents were killed.
There was no one to hear … just the birds.
I’m not sure how long I was up on that hill,
but I felt the better for my private outburst and began to once again take note
of my surroundings. A church bell was tolling somewhere off to the right a few
miles away, a farmer was on a tractor ploughing a field off to the left, and
below me, a herd of dairy cows was beginning to assemble for milking. I felt
oddly as if I belonged – not a stranger looking at a picturesque scene. Could I
make a life in the country work for me?
7th August:
Have been working solidly for two weeks since my weekend away in Oxfordshire.
It’s Monday night and I stayed in town this weekend. Caught up with Rosie who
was less than flattering about my appearance … she said I looked tired and
“haggard”! “Haggard!!!” I thought I had
been hiding my state of mind pretty well from everyone in London – clearly I
can’t fool my little sister. I was so taken aback with her perceptiveness I
told her that I was thinking of moving to the country …. It had actually been only an unrealistic
daydream, and I really made the comment to get her off my back, but the more I
think about it, the less stupid an idea it seems. I might plan another trip out
of London this weekend to think about whether a move could really work.
13th August:
Have just returned from the country, more conflicted than ever. I drove down on
Saturday, a bit later than usual given the traffic, and booked in to what is
now becoming my “regular” pub. As soon as I checked in, I decided to explore
the country to the west of the town. I took a few minor roads, until I became,
I admit, rather lost. Needing to consult
my map, and having no place to pull over, I followed a lane (with many
potholes) until I eventually came to a small village. I pulled over near the green to consult my
map, and worked out that I had to be in a place called Dibley. I couldn’t see a sign anywhere, but
fortuitously (or so I thought at the time), I saw an elderly gentleman making
his way up towards the church. I got out of the car and called to him. He made
his way slowly over eyeing me with curiosity.
Asking him if this village was Dibley, he answered in the oddest
fashion. “No, no, no, … yes”. “So it is Dibley?” Hoping to heaven I was in the
right place. “No, no, no, yes – that’s what I said”. I apologised, and he
looked at me and said, “Who would you be then?” I told him that I was merely
passing through, to which he nodded and then resumed his walk towards the
church...... Odd!
Just as I was about to drive out of the
village (and there was not much to it), I caught sight of a cottage for sale
just along the lane. It was getting late, but intrigued, I thought I would
return in the morning, perhaps on foot, as I worked out it was only a few miles
from where I was staying. Hopefully I would not be too conspicuous as a
walker.
I set out early the next morning and arrived
at the village just after 9.30am. It was curiously quiet – not a soul was in
sight. The sound of an organ coming from the church made me realise that I had
arrived just as everyone had gone into the Sunday service. It gave me the
chance to take a look at the cottage unseen. “Sleepy Cottage” … what a name …
and rather appropriate given my less than “sleepy” London lifestyle. It was set
a little apart from the other cottages which I liked, as, with its garden and
climbing roses, it would allow a little bit of privacy. It looked small, but
cosy and with loads of character.
..... I really feel drawn to that cottage, so have
the name of the Agent, and might make a few enquiries this week......
14th August:
Contacted agent about the cottage. Appointment for viewing this coming
Saturday.
19th August:
Inspection of Sleepy Cottage. It’s small, but it felt “right” somehow. Am I
becoming fanciful? – Hardheaded city accountant suddenly feels emotional
attachment to a village in the middle of the countryside?? Not sure what’s going
on with me really, but I have a strong urge to get away from this city
corporate life for a while.
Agent mentioned that the cottage is owned by
a local well-to-do gentleman – apparently he has a great deal of influence in
the village and surrounding countryside. He didn’t seem to know much about the
villagers, but I got the impression that he was being a little evasive. He did
mention that the Vicar was a woman however – got the distinct impression that
the fact that the local incumbent was female had caused a bit of a stir in the
village. Odd.. I would have thought those objections had become irrelevant
years ago! Must contact Janis soon to ask her.
21st August:
After lengthy discussion with Rosie, I decided to put in an offer for the
cottage. She thinks I’ll tire of country
life after six months and will return to London. Shall see …..
22nd August:
Offer on cottage accepted. Met with the managing directors to discuss my
application for a leave of absence from the firm for a couple of months. I was
flattered by their response – they wanted me to consider part time work, as
apparently my “skills” are needed at the moment. (That surprised me – I didn’t
realise that after all the trouble, my work was valued that much). We agreed that I would come up to London for
three days out of seven – mostly over the weekend. Given my lack of social
life, thought that this sounded OK for a start. (Could always do something in
London on Saturday night … suspect nightlife in Dibley on Saturdays consists of
going to local Pub).
25th August: Quick
trip into country to sign contract on cottage. Building inspector reported that
there are no significant structural problems - all looks above board. Solicitor
happy also. Keys available in a couple of weeks. Time to sort my things and
work out what to take with me. Will rent out London flat and stay with Rosie
when working in London until I decide whether country living is for me. Rosie working on long haul flights at the
moment, so I can keep an eye on her flat when she’s away and I am up working in
London.
10th September:
Moving day tomorrow. What a mess …. Boxes everywhere!! Removalists arriving
early in morning – hopefully everything will be delivered to the cottage by mid
afternoon …. They assure me they can get the truck down the lanes. Hope so!
11th September:
Everything moved in to cottage …finally. Can’t find a thing! Have had to drive
back to town to clean up flat. Hope to be back in Dibley by tomorrow afternoon
at the latest.
12th September:
The oddest thing has just happened.!!
Arrived back at Sleepy Cottage at 5.00 … had
to scuffle through a few boxes to find kitchen items so I could prepare a meal.
If in London, I would have headed to the closest Take Away … no chance of that
here!!
But Dibley has already surprised me. While
trying to sort out some boxes of books, there was a knock on the door. Two
ladies were outside – one was called Alice (confess I couldn’t quite work her
out at all!!) – the other was a rather voluptuous woman whose smile just
dazzled me from the outset. She was
mesmerising – it was as if she had cast some sort of spell over me. I literally
could not take my eyes off her … and had to almost physically shake myself to
recall me to my surroundings. I think
they wanted to give me the impression that they didn’t welcome people moving to
the village from the city, but in all the confusion, it seemed they were happy
to meet me. At least I think they were welcoming me. Geraldine … that was her
name …. Never have I ever felt this attracted to anyone before….!! That meeting was too brief, and her friend … Alice … was
a distraction. I need to find out more about her … Geraldine, that is…..
13th September:
Spent most of day unpacking. Intend to find time to explore a bit tomorrow ..
hopefully I might run into Geraldine ….
14th September: I
feel as if I’ve almost walked onto a movie set.
… a bit like the movie Brigadoon that my aunt used to like …. Except
here it’s as if the villagers are living twenty or thirty years ago, and not
200 years in the past. Met a few quite odd people – one a farmer who was abrupt to the
point of rudeness, but I think this is a consequence of poor social skills and
insularity rather than anything intentional. The other was an older man, well
dressed, well spoken. but incredibly long-winded and quite eccentric. Note to
self: ensure plenty of time allocated for conversation with him in future.
Finally met Geraldine again just before
lunch. I seriously made a bit of a fool of myself ….. I’ve been out of this
whole singles/dating scene for way too long! After almost ruining my chances by
answering my stupid phone while I was with her this morning, (something I don’t
think she appreciated), I then began to make things worse by talking about the
local vicar being a woman and saying that I found clerical white collars "sexy". To
my chagrin, at dinner I discovered Geraldine actually is the Vicar. That left me in a conundrum about what was
appropriate behaviour when dating a member of the clergy …. Janis and I had a
very platonic kind of relationship – with Geraldine I want it to be different.… It seems as if I’ve already got this massive crush on her which has
absolutely thrown me … not only have I just met her, but for years I’ve been
with another woman, and for months I’ve had no interest in contemplating
another relationship. I’m not sure what
this says about me – am I so shallow? How can I possibly be falling for someone
this rapidly? When will I wake up to
myself?
Have to go up to London this weekend – I
actually would love to stay and see Geraldine in action as Vicar, but can’t get
out of this commitment.
15th September:
Met Geraldine briefly walking in the village this morning. She took my hand as
we walked which felt good …. and right. Am now in London, but wish I was back
in Dibley …. home….!

